Dear Blockbuster Parents

I know it’s been a long day for you and you just wanted to get that last copy of Away We Go before it’s been scooped up by some other Indie couple that had a long day at work. But seriously, it’s 8:45 p.m., and I think your 2-year-old might not be able to behave the way you’d envisioned when you left your house. I would like it if you would quit admonishing him for melting down at EIGHT FORTY-FIVE AT NIGHT when most kids his age are snug in their beds and sleeping. I would also like it if you would quit trying to reason with him at this hour. Because remember? He’s TWO, and it’s EIGHT FORTY-FIVE AT NIGHT.

There are some pretty shitty things that parents do to their kids. Some of those things are obvious, like smokeboxing it with a little one strapped in the back seat, pretending the wee crack left in the window is an air purifier. But the little insiduous mistreatment you’re committing tonight? This white-collar parenting crime? It also sucks. It’s not so much that you made your child stay up (and face it, at this age and judging from his condition, it’s not LETTING him stay up but MAKING him stay up). It’s that you are actually expecting him to behave. I’m sure Away We Go is totally worth it. Might I suggest that you watch it around midnight to 2 a.m. and then get up for work at the crack of dawn? I’ll be expecting you to conduct yourself with the same grace and cheer you’re currently trying to squeeze out of that wet ragdoll of a kid you’ve got there.

Now, please, in the name of all that’s holy, put that poor child to bed and quit talking to him like he’s the family dog running amok. You may not be blowing nicotine down his throat, but you aren’t respecting his basic needs the way you surely planned to do when you first held him in your arms.

There.
Now, good night.
I said GOOD NIGHT!

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