Silverstein for Parents

I’ve been writing Shel Siverstein-istic things for parents here and there, because I don’t have time to write the great American novel. Also, because I’m lost in parenthood land, I tend to think in raps and rhymes a lot. Anyway, I use his name liberally, because I think Shel would actually shudder at some of these. (I should probably call him Sheldon, since we’ve never met.) Here are some samples, on top of those that I’ve posted in the past (filed under Silversteinery):


NOTICE

I’ll do
The soothing,
He’ll suckle
Just me
As you surf
All the shows
On your flat-screen TV.
But if you play Wii
While I clean up this pee?
Bye, bye, divorcee!

***
LEGENDS

Miranda’s newborn sleeps all night,
Jane’s is diaper-free,
Debbie’s walked at just eight months,
Anne’s uses the potty,
Rosie’s baby learned to read,
Ann’s kid has never hit,
But I can say with confidence,
They all are full of shit.

***
FERTILITY CARE

Starting a family’s a wonderful choice,
And don’t try to tell us it’s not,
Our triplets are healthy and brilliant and cute,
It’s we who are going to rot.

***
IF I HAD A NANNY

If I had a nanny she’d be South Americanny,
And I’d probably call her mammy
When she pushed my baby’s prammy.
She could make my kids a sammy
While I sunbathe in Miami.
But if perhaps she didn’t nod
When I said, “Don’t spare the rod,”
Or if she had a rockin’ bod,
Or made me feel like a tightwad,
I’d take care of my own freaking kids and fire her ass.

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