Date: August 21, 2009
Department: Family Services
Review Period: Summer 2009
Please complete the questions listed below and return to your supervisor prior to your performance evaluation. As you complete the form, consider your own personal performance as it relates to your current job description and expectations for the review period.
1. Do you understand the requirements of your job? What aspects of your job need clarification?
Honestly, they change too often. Some of them — feeding, cleaning, and monitoring the health of the recipients of my services, for example — have remained constant for the duration of my employment; yet they continue to present a challenge. Areas where I need clarification: Am I expected to discern between normal preschool behavior and pre-goth indicators? Is it unacceptable to let a baby eat from what I’ve just swept into a pile on the kitchen floor if it’s mostly remnants of what he flung there at his last two meals? Do the AAP suggestions for two or less hours of daily TV viewing apply to kids who live in regions that regularly experience cold rainfall and autumnal temperatures in mid-summer?
2. List the expectations for the review period and assess how well you have succeeded in meeting each expectation. Attach a separate sheet if necessary.
I have been expected to feed, clothe, love, clean, nurse, transport, cook, calm, and listen to two children below the age of five for nearly 90 days straight without the aid of nanny, preschool, or vacation. They are both of a normal weight and have had all their health issues attended to. Neither has been left behind in a store or at the house by accident (or on purpose). My attendance to their clothing is questionable, as the 5-year-old is permitted to dress herself and has, thus, vascillated during the review period between looking like a schizophrenic bag lady and Glinda the Good Witch. At the same time, I often “dress” the baby in a mere diaper or put him into a turtleneck onesie casing in lieu of pajamas. Cooking is an area where I recognize the need for improvement, as I must admit to purchasing and “cooking” multiple packages of Hebrew National hot dogs during the review period. I have perhaps relied too heavily on the bottle from which the baby should be actively weaning, but this has allowed me to attend to various other of my responsibilities, such as putting myself in clean underwear from time to time. I have loved the children throughout the review period and anticipate that I will be able to meet and exceed that expectation for the duration of their lives, or at least until they’re 13 and again after they leave home.
3. What changes in duties or priorities did you face during the review period and how did you handle them?
Are you freaking serious? You want me to list them all?
4. What are your strengths and how do you put them to use in your position?
I have become masterful at appreciating artwork that does not at all resemble that which the burgeoning artist has claimed to render. I am an exceptionally good sportsman when it comes to getting clobbered at 43 consecutive games of Guess Who, and pretending to enjoy myself during inane footraces, the impossible object of which is to be the slowest rather than the fastest. I’m able to roll with the punches much better than I did when I first took this position five years ago, even boasting a softened gag reflex. This is useful when dealing with both a booger-eater and her sibling feces-recycler.
5. What are your weaknesses and how do they impact your job?
Two words: Mucus and monotony. While I believe I am making progress with the booger factor, I struggle daily to sustain a feigned interest in unicorns, rainbows, and my daughter’s increasingly obvious formula for naming her stuffed animals (“golden” + gemstone name + candy name = moniker). The monotony manifests itself in my low energy levels, which in turn make it difficult for me to respond enthusiastically to the ongoing swing-shift and on-call components of my work schedule.
6. What would help you enhance your performance (training, equipment, etc.)?
A fully-stocked wine cellar. Obviously.
7. What are your expectations for the coming evaluation period?
That the service recipients become a little wiser, a little more independent, and a little more reasonable than during the past evaluation period. Also, I anticipate my first official squaring off with the Hannah Montana-bots that lurk in elementary schools, waiting to bring my daughter over to the dark side. Is it too late to ask for a rosary and a garland of garlic, too?
8. How would you rate your overall performance for this review period?
Exceeds Expectations ___
Meets Expectations _X_
Below Expectations ___